Kylie and some very big bangers.

Anybody see The Kylie Show on ITV? Unbelievable. A cheesier audience, I don't recall.

She performed on a circular stage with a small crowd dancing 360 degrees around her below. And on the television, you couldn't help but pay more attention to the shapes being busted in the audience than the performance from the singer herself.

It's hard for me to respect any crowd that manages to rock out to pint-sized Kylie. Not that I have a thing against pint-sized people. I've got the hots for a good smurf, actually.

But the show was just calling for some of my exotic hand busting gesticulations. Now that would have put the prime in primetime. Just like I put the art in Martin. Which isn't my name, by the way.

How is it so that the firework displays are that much louder and that much more frequent on Diwali than they are on our own national holidays? I was woken up by a massive bang nextdoor, tipped my head out the window and coughed my way through a thin mist of explosive fog.

And really, what is the point of those fireworks that go straight up and explode with NO sparks? I just don't understand. If I'm going to splash out my hard earned cash on a bunch of fireworks, I want some bang for my buck. Well, actually, I want some visual stimulation.

"There she goes, straight up in to the sky."

"Yeah? I don't see any sparks."

"Of course you don't. But we know she exploded."

I still remember when my Dad bought the biggest banger he could find in Ruislip and set it off under our massive oak tree. As a young kid, it scared the hell out of me. You'd kind of expect something like that to go terribly wrong, and when it set fire to the tree, I was in tears with distress.

A girl told me last night that my pupils are the largest she's ever seen. Believe it or not, I have actually been refused entry to a club in the past - just because of their size. Apparently it's a giveaway sign that somebody's on chemicals. And while I can't say that I've never dabbled my hand in pyschedelics, I certainly don't use them every day and night.

It's weird. I've spent the last 19 years under the illusion that I have green eyes. But everybody who sees them says that they're blue. Either way, they're creepily large.

According to Facebook, amongst my 150 friends, I am the 4th nicest smelling.

Weird. But thanks, I guess.

I'm also listed as a strictly average dancer, which quite frankly, isn't true. Anybody who's seen me sharking on a Saturday night will be able to confirm that I'm actually quite terrible.

Speaking of Saturdays, this is the first I've spent snuggled up at home in quite some time. Last night was interesting to say the very least. I'm having a relaxing evening on my own to refill the tank and get some life in my veins.