Just a bunch of yesterdays

I was sitting at work today, with my nose pressed to the screen of another soul breaking print design, when it struck me just how hideous the corporate world really is. "If you never settle for second best, you will never be second best." This being the bold and emblazoned slogan that another Canary Wharf based bank had chosen as their flavour of the month.

Caught between yawning, sighing and mouse clicking my way to an early lunch, I did what I so often do at work; switched off and let everything pass me by on autopilot. If last year was a reckless rampage from bed to bed via my bleary eyed day job, this year is a timid bubble of muted expectations and forever spiraling career ladders.

That's not to say I dislike my job, because I'm lucky to be paid so well to do something that I find mildly interesting. But I hate the business talk and politics that go with being in the city. My office is actually a quiet retreat away from your average money mongering Moorgate suit, but you only have to glance out of the window to see life being sucked from botoxed faces.

I'm kicking my heels in the sand pit making dramas out of something we all have to deal with, and it's creating a detachment effect in my private life. I'm rarely switched on, I rarely have energy and I'm rarely inclined to do much with my evenings. Hell, I'm hardly even drawn to post to this blog anymore - and that's saying something. I'd like to think I've mastered the art of writing about sweet jack all.

It makes me feel a bit bad for my girlfriend that she has to deal with my being distant and disconnected emotionally. I've been told of a few things I do which make her feel bad, and I didn't even realize I was doing them. Normally I fight accusations stubbornly but I know full well that I've been a lousy lover. It's hard to deal with because once you realize what you've been doing, you begin to question whether their opinion of you has lowered. And once that happens, its a long way back. 

So much has changed recently. I have friends that are settling down, engaged, moving in together and starting new paths. I'm still trying to work out where my own choices are taking me. It's quite scary.

I've been talking to the girl who used to crop up on these pages all too often for her own liking. It's amazing how far apart things are now from six months ago. She's moved in with her boyfriend and seems to be really happy, which is great. Having seen a picture of them together, I can safely say that I'd feel like a complete and utter outsider even harbouring those thoughts again. They look right for each other. Not to mention, I'm a completely different mould.

Back during my heavy crushing, I secretly wished that he'd be some schizophrenic toss-faced bum of the west country, but I can now see how I lost out in the stud muffin stakes! Besides, obsessing as I was at the time, just ain't cool and I regret it like I knew I would.

It's a little different talking to her now. She's happy with her guy, and I'm happy with my girlfriend...if anything, I've realized how temporary everything is. That intimidates me, and like a stockbroker facing the crunch, I'm putting my faith where there's little risk or danger.

London is the best recluse city in the world for those who need it to be. If you want to give your soul to a 9-5, Monday-Friday, there will always be opportunities to do just that. I'm getting my head down and working hard. Two years from now, I want to be self-employed and chasing goals that are more appealing than a life of semi-serving pay cheques and yearly appraisals.

And everything except my salary is a hazy blur.