Dogging hot spots and my brief vacation.

I find it quite disturbing that my site draws so many visitors under the search terms cassiobury park dogging. When you run a lifestyle blog, you get a good idea of what people in your local area are searching for. But this particular blog seems to have become a haven for the filth of North West London.

I can only blame myself. They'd have nothing to find if I hadn't posted such utter seedy drivel in the first place.

Maybe if I SEO my posts with plenty of references to Sexy Ruislip Manor Studs, I'll start to reach my target market?

I can only dream.

What do you get your girlfriend if her birthday falls on Valentines Day?

Answer: DP.

On that welcoming note, yes, I've decided to emerge from my nest and post again. It's been a while so I'm feeling well travelled. Goodbye 2007, treat me tender 2008.

The New Year has taken its toll in more ways than one. I've piled on weight, partied myself senseless and blown away nights on dancing, drugs and drinking contests. Physically, I'm a bit of a wreck and thus embarking on a three week beer diet to get in shape for my birthday.

I say beer diet, what that really means is one binge per week at the max. I think my body needs a break. And six days out of seven on the wagon beats six days out of seven on the razzle.

The trouble is, having started the diet on January 2nd, I'd broken it by Saturday. I specifically said that I'd be on non-alcoholic drinks at the Middlesex Arms, but somehow got roped in to a game of - err - spin the coin? This promptly ended in Plan A (diet pepsi) being thrown out of the window for Plan Steve (7 pints in 2 hours).

Not the dousing my liver intended, but I'm back on the diet. Until tonight at least.

Get this for a story. A southern friend of mine has recently named her new pet after me, accidentally or not - I don't care. But guess what kind of pet it is? You know if it was a budgie, or a hamster, or even a snake...I'd be pleasantly flattered.

But it's a pig.

Martinez the Pig.

To make matters worse, another friend was playing Word Association the other day and my name was brought up. Nothing too bad about that, except the associated term was "Horrific fashion sense".

I mean, what the hell? Martinez The Pig with Horrific Fashion Sense? And people wonder why I've been feeling under the weather...

Walking down the high street on my way to lunch, I noticed the Evening Standard board had been updated. Apparently the McCanns are planning on making a movie for their missing daughter.

Is that so?

Tell me, do you think they'll delete the scene where Kate murders her? Will they confine Gerry burying the body to the extras on the special edition DVD? I want to know. Because right now, I wouldn't buy a cinema ticket for a movie where I know the ending's going to be absolute tripe.

Seriously though, it reeks of exploitation. A Hollywood sized motion picture isn't going to bring any new evidence to light. In fact, it's more likely to blur the issue with a biased interpretation of what happened that night.

People will think; "If it happened like that on the big screen, it must have happened like that in real life." So unless you produce the definitive feature-length Crimewatch special, you're doing more harm than good.